An Impossible Marriage (Laurie Krieg)


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These are takeaways from this book.


Firstly, Defining a Mixed-Orientation Marriage Without Sensationalism, A central contribution of the book is its attempt to describe mixed-orientation marriage in a grounded, humane way. Rather than presenting it as a spectacle, an apologetic weapon, or a universal template, the story frames it as a real covenant between two people whose experiences of attraction differ. This matters because public discussion often turns marriages like these into symbols, either celebrated as evidence that everything is easy with enough willpower, or dismissed as inherently harmful. Krieg instead draws attention to the complexity: attraction is only one component of marital life, yet it can affect confidence, tenderness, and expectations. The book also highlights the importance of clear language. Readers are encouraged to distinguish between attraction, behavior, identity, and commitment, and to recognize that faithfulness is not the same as erasing a person inner experience. By addressing misconceptions on all sides, the narrative creates room for couples and pastors to talk about these marriages with sobriety and compassion. The goal is not to persuade everyone into one conclusion, but to invite honesty, reduce stigma, and help the church approach the topic with careful discernment.


Secondly, Covenant Love as Daily Practice, Not Romantic Certainty, The book repeatedly points toward an understanding of love that is practiced rather than presumed. In many Christian settings, marriage is expected to run on a steady engine of mutual desire and romantic confirmation. A mixed-orientation marriage can expose how fragile that assumption is, forcing a couple to ask what holds them together when feelings shift, attractions do not mirror each other, or cultural scripts do not fit. Krieg explores how covenant can be lived through concrete habits: truth-telling, repentance, mutual service, and choosing tenderness when it is costly. This approach does not romanticize hardship, but it argues that many marriages, regardless of orientation, require learning how to love when life is not effortless. The book also invites readers to see friendship as a vital category for marriage, not a consolation prize. Companionship, shared mission, and spiritual partnership become meaningful supports alongside physical intimacy. In this framing, the gospel is not a slogan applied to pain but a set of practices that form character over time, shaping patience, humility, and resilient commitment in the everyday realities of married life.


Thirdly, Honesty, Boundaries, and Emotional Safety in Intimacy, Another major theme is the role of honesty and boundaries as foundations for trust. Mixed-orientation dynamics can trigger insecurity for both spouses: one may fear being unwanted, while the other may fear being misunderstood or reduced to a label. The book underscores the importance of naming these fears rather than managing them through avoidance or performance. Emotional safety grows when spouses can speak about attraction, longing, grief, and hope without turning the conversation into accusation or shame. This includes practical wisdom about boundaries, such as discerning what kinds of conversations, expectations, or outside influences either strengthen the marriage or undermine it. The narrative also suggests that intimacy is broader than sexual compatibility. Couples may need to cultivate multiple pathways of closeness: meaningful conversation, affection, shared routines, prayer, and mutual care. For some readers, this may challenge simplistic marital advice that treats sexual fulfillment as the primary indicator of health. Krieg presents intimacy as layered and learnable, while still acknowledging that sexual disparity can be painful. The emphasis remains on building a marriage where both people can breathe, speak honestly, and pursue goodness together.


Fourthly, Suffering, Hope, and Spiritual Formation in a Complicated Calling, The book addresses suffering with a tone that aims to avoid both despair and triumphalism. A mixed-orientation marriage may include real losses: unmet expectations, loneliness, confusion about the future, and the feeling of not fitting into typical Christian marriage narratives. Krieg explores how these experiences can become a site of spiritual formation, not because suffering is inherently good, but because it can reveal what we worship and how we cope. Readers are invited to consider practices that sustain hope, such as prayer, community, counseling, and honest lament. The book also points to the difference between choosing hardship for its own sake and faithfully responding to the life one has. In that sense, the marriage is presented as a calling that requires ongoing discernment, not a one-time decision that eliminates struggle. This topic resonates beyond sexuality debates, speaking to any couple navigating chronic tension, mental health challenges, or mismatch in desires. The overarching message is that Christian hope does not demand pretending everything is fine. It means believing that God can work within complexity, shaping endurance, compassion, and a deeper dependence on grace.


Lastly, What the Church Must Learn About Belonging and Pastoral Care, A final important topic is the books implicit critique of how churches often handle sexuality and marriage. Communities may pressure people into quick narratives: either a testimony of total change, or a warning story that confirms prior assumptions. Krieg argues for a more patient pastoral posture that prioritizes discipleship, wise support, and genuine belonging. Mixed-orientation couples often need space to be ordinary members of the body of Christ rather than being treated as projects, debates, or public examples. The book suggests that pastors and friends should resist prying questions and instead offer practical care: prayer, confidentiality, counseling referrals, and friendship that does not depend on a couples perceived success. It also highlights the importance of theological humility. Not every question about identity, attraction, and ethics is resolved by a slogan, and the lived reality of a couple can be more complicated than the categories used in public arguments. In calling for deeper empathy, the narrative pushes readers to examine how church cultures can unintentionally reward pretense and punish honesty. The result is a vision for communities that tell the truth while still making room for people to grow, heal, and remain connected.